Obama staves off computer programmer panic

Hostess, makers of Twinkies, the staple diet of computer programmers everywhere, has announced that it is closing operations and declaring bankruptcy:

Hostess Closing

The US Department of Labor moved quickly to stave off panic among computer programmers nation-wide. "The governor of Washington, at our request, has mobilized the National Guard. We are using National Guard trucks to ship in Little Debbies and Moon Pies, to Microsoft's corporate headquarters," a spokesperson for Secretary of Labor Hilda Solis announced, speaking on condition of anonim ... anonyn ... not revealing who he/she is. "We believe this will stave off the growing panic among programmers," the spokesperson continued, also noting that Microsoft stock had dropped 20 points following the Hostess announcement.
 Nutrition experts Michelle Obama and Michael Bloomberg high-fived each other when the news was announced, according to embattled restauranteur and Food Channel host Guy Fieri. "They were bustin' my chops over the Wells review," Fieri told our reporter, "and Bloomberg was threatening to ban D3 in New  York City if we don't start including organic vegan establishments. Then someone came in and whispered in Ms. Obama's ear, and they both jumped up and started dancing around, high-fiving. I thought maybe, like, you know, Boehner had stroked out or something." 
On another front, the Department of Education is preparing a series of re-education videos to make the computer programming industry aware of the joys of RC Cola and Moon Pies, with the Bell Buckle, Tennessee RC and Moon Pie Festival set to become a major national event. President Obama, though momentarily distracted by whining Hurricane Sandy victims and Peckergate, is expected to announce the hiring of 5,000 former Hostess employees and union members to handle that project. "The other 13,500 former workers will have an opportunity for re-education themselves, at one of our facilities, the recently reactivated Camp Amache in southeastern Colorado," announced Deputy Press Secretary Josh Earnest, earnestly, "but only after they sign up with the Baker's Union and register as Democrats."